A good day turned

Today i found peace and more anger
I know mostly those never are together
However they went together today.
i kicked and screamed as a toddler would
to get my way to see my grand mother


a connection that i needed to know
a feeling only in person could feel
a sense of self and question at once

Here I am returning home
to come back broken
 in to millions of pieces like a puzzle
confused because i have no idea where my anger arises

ready to blow out of the window
 like a piece of paper that never belonged
I am wondering where to go with a mother
who was always close
who now feels removed or unfavored


i am flabergased by the changes i make
and i am embarassed that i have became who i am
i have anger towards my mother that she will never understand
it does not make her less than a mother
or takes away from her awards

yet it is a question or wondering of why
would i continue to see her in a state of unstable
when i try now to tiptoe in a motherly role
 cook and clean and straighten and organize
and pray and give advice
a talk and center her
shouldnt my mother be doing that for me

am i not important enough for her to hear my temper tantrum dry
am i not loud enough for her to feel my pain and sorrow
am  i not smart enough to get her attention
am i not moving fast enough in my life for her
am i not far enough along as she would hope for me

Am i not man enough for her
amd i not woman enough for her
Are my difference and likeness not enought to identify

Why do we always give others the benfit of the doubt
but when it is our turn we have no excuse