Lost in his visible realm.

Within her eyes by Imani J W.

Loyalty won't get you everywhere, but it can get you places. I am feeling low but, not for long. People are people and with that, they don't always see the things you do for them and how easy you made it for them. When individuals learn the effort you put forth, they will become appreciative; even if they never say they do. Don't look for approval, approve it yourself. Don't ever expect things from others. if you have a goal .. reach it, touch it, taste it, and if you can't, pray for it, and fight harder for it. I've never been so low and feel so close to god before. Creator .. creator .. what is in store for me? Creator, Creator, why did it take me so long to learn this lesson ?

I continuously had to be beat with a stick. whacked with a door, talked to with the strongest energy. Nearly go insane and come back again just to do the same thing. Every time we argue its like clash of the titans , its like thunderstorm meets tornado. Hurricane meets earthquake. Its never good for our sake or the children's I wanted to be the Queen you saw me as, I wanted you to be the King I knew you could be. But you just didn't want to put in the work and i just didn't feel like working hard anymore. You wanted to be praised for what you were suppose to do. you wanted to be given and ego stroke for doing the bare bone minimum and I choose not to. I loved you, I wanted the best for my kids and you. I wanted you to be a better man, I wanted you to be a better father. I needed you to be my leader not the other way around. I needed a shoulder to cry on but i couldn't express myself. If i did i was just nagging bitching and complaining about the little things. The funny part is if they were so little ? why couldn't we just get through them ?

But who am I to ask for the near thing I couldn't respect in the end. We hurt each other over and over again but I'll take the blame, I made you feel worse. Now communication isn't there, you need someone to pick you up and have your back.. I thought I was doing that, but i guess not. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to leave wit out breaking up shit. How i wanted to run away in the breeze and never feel again. Without feeling Lower than the floor, soil and roots of the tree. I am on E and only my creator can restore me. How did I allow you to take so much energy from me. How did i allow you to make me so angry. How did i allow you back in my heart. Creator creator.. help me with this part.
help me heal and be healthy, help me grow and understand. I don't have to be hard I don't have to fail. I can succeed in life if I put my mind to it. I wished he could be what he was not, and that's the place that I stop.

A good day turned

Today i found peace and more anger
I know mostly those never are together
However they went together today.
i kicked and screamed as a toddler would
to get my way to see my grand mother


a connection that i needed to know
a feeling only in person could feel
a sense of self and question at once

Here I am returning home
to come back broken
 in to millions of pieces like a puzzle
confused because i have no idea where my anger arises

ready to blow out of the window
 like a piece of paper that never belonged
I am wondering where to go with a mother
who was always close
who now feels removed or unfavored


i am flabergased by the changes i make
and i am embarassed that i have became who i am
i have anger towards my mother that she will never understand
it does not make her less than a mother
or takes away from her awards

yet it is a question or wondering of why
would i continue to see her in a state of unstable
when i try now to tiptoe in a motherly role
 cook and clean and straighten and organize
and pray and give advice
a talk and center her
shouldnt my mother be doing that for me

am i not important enough for her to hear my temper tantrum dry
am i not loud enough for her to feel my pain and sorrow
am  i not smart enough to get her attention
am i not moving fast enough in my life for her
am i not far enough along as she would hope for me

Am i not man enough for her
amd i not woman enough for her
Are my difference and likeness not enought to identify

Why do we always give others the benfit of the doubt
but when it is our turn we have no excuse

a good day

 on 8/04/2011 i visited my grandfather who i had not seen since my birthday week. after the long talk about life that we always seem to have, I had a wonderful feeling that came over me. the feeling of purpose the feeling of love the feeling of life pumping and pushing through my veins to live life not only to the fullest but with respect to everything and every paved road.

 Lets back up for a second and  get to the reason I even came to my grand fathers home. I was driving- for the fifth  time ever with my mom. My nerves were shot, I could only breathe deeply, and i felt anxious, i wanted only to get it over with. So i drove in a neighborhood with only one speed limit- 25 miles and hour. and even then i had a little trouble around the curbs. This may seem as just a little task to most people my age but it was more then that for me.  uneasiness surrounded me years before i ever drove.thoughts in my dreams and actual events that occurs in my life stopped me from having the confidence to drive. Scared me with traumatic accidents that only happened in my head and on the news.

But it was me having the responsibility now not only for me  and my life, but for my mothers. And I couldn't dare part with my mother that day. And I didn't ,i passed the first fear of traffic making a turn at a t-intersection. never in my life had I made such a turn without being able to see both ways, but no matter how far i inched up i couldn't see the left side so i jumped out after i felt that all cars had passed. I did it i made the first turn at the blind t intersection with a little help from mama and a little will power of the Altima, I did it. The third fear was  the bridge. My mother and I came to a bridge right after passing a school. It was scary before getting to the landmark but i knew if i could cross this i could get us home safely. and well since I am writing this you can bet me a dollar i went over it and the bridge didn't budge a bit. I was so happy i went up the hill passed more cars and even took another right and then another left. I was almost home.

 At forty miles an hour now the was one more intersection i had to cross before getting in to the neighborhood. I crossed it  put on my turning signal and swish i  made the right turn got in the neighborhood went up the hill parked the car lifted the emergency brake turned off the car un bulked my seat belt took the keys and my purse got out the car and did a little dance for my self. i finally did it . I drove 10 miles up the road it doesn't sound like much to you but it was a step up for me. I concurred three fears passing a car, turning in a blind t-intersection and going over a bridge.  My day was made and i ot my mother and myself home safe sound and a little nerves.

-Imani ( there may be errors in this so beware)

eeee

Lies
cheating
deception
conception
agony


love
blessings
trusting
providing
 unconditional


unsupported
selfish
 giving
caring
Pushing
continuing
Thriving
reviving
committing
creating

realization of retail

i am lost and probably will continue on this journey for years to come. Acceptance of others is what i wanted. I wanted to feel safe and successful thorough the eyes  of others,  and i realized i can not be accepted were society assassinates things that are different. I have looked for acceptance from my mother, my father, friends, coworkers, extended family and even myself.  I will always be different no matter how far I try to blend in, I will forever be the individual self that i am. I will not continue to be unhappy with myself. And now i am once again unhappy with the addition of a better paying job.


think about it this way . I would rather be accepted and happy. than miserable and unaccepted . But i am still wrong. I love me and that is all that i would like to be able to say is that i love and accept me completely. No one will know or love me like I know and love me.
 I have worked in retail now for two years and I love customers but i hate the way things are opperating in the retail fields. I mean the strict rules and the heavy workload and the stupid breaks they rarely give. The uniforms and the fact that my hair is unprofessional. Think about it . Not me not my work ethic . but my hair is not "conservative."

whatz the deal

 changing you mind one thought at a time

 how hard is it to be positive 

may not be that hard if you have positivty  surrounding you 

but what happens when negativity get the best of you 

in your job , you schooling, you family your relation ship and even you dog

How do you submurge from the darkness of negativity.

Do you ignore it ?

Do you fight it ?

DO you pray for positivity 

 or do you just ride the wave untill the clock strikes 12 

Positivity is such a good feeling .

 its like a runners high. fresh are  blury vision and flight 

as if you feet were in the clouds and your body soared higher then the birds and planes 

Positivity makes things clear.

Positivity makes things calm 

it puts your mind at ease knowing things will get easier 

positivity is contagious and if one person  has it nother person gets it.

but negativity is the same way 

. it likes company

  it enjoys hurting others

negativity will have u spining through a worm hole  wish wanting needing a way out.

not doing this anymore

I'm tired of being accussed,
 tired of every day being put in a place of upset and worry.
 I have a goal in mind and I can't keep asking myself to look in the mirror.
 and see what it is that's so unforgivable.
 I see myself as being a good woman. a good provider.
 who is living a divine life. and getting through all of the struggles.
Many men have been in this field and have given themselves a struggle.

 Lets think about it this way.
You get two Strikes essentially in life.
You have a kid and then you get a ticket with the law.

 I have figured this with my father , My sons father and it is almost to the point  where he is giving up. I can't create a haven. if you only see hell.
I know for a fact I'm not the one you want.
 I know for a fact that you see no good in me.
So it is time I just let you go. It's time I suffer on my own and not be  demean and dammed by your presents.
 you see nothing in me but death and hell.
You see nothing positive in me.
I see you as a man who is on the rocky edge,
Start a business
 get a loan
 get to know yourself
 and don't soop to the level of others just because they succeeded and you didn't.
 you don't know how low they have gone to get the little they have.