The longer I live the stronger it becomes apparent I’m ok. I’m Strong on my own. The trurth is. I don’t want to be on my own. I want understanding. Love and compassion. Someone who loves me on my worse days.

Iwant what Is for me. I don’t care about everyone else’s dreams. I realize that It’s going be a long while before happiness meets me. So I’ll have some joy in the mean time. I’m getting to know myself more. Everyday I look in the mirror. I like me a little better.

i. Forgiving myself today for the years of hurt I’ve caused myself. The years of thinking I didn’t deserve better. The years of saying I’m ok with less. Well I’ve reached a time where I’m not not ok with less.

god gave me talents a gifts it’s time I start using them. It’s time I become everything I want to be inside and out.

From my hair to my nails.

From my mind to my style.

To my love and my joy.

To my home and my comfort.

I deserve and will achieve all of my dreams even if that means being on my own.

I desire and deserve more.

so I’m going to be real open. If you don’t want a long post skip it.

one month ago I bought my sons bunk beds and 2 twin mattress.

Moses an I have been sleeping on the floor or couch since November 2019. It june 2020. I save up 400 dollars bought a mattress and a rug. One day after buying the rug my kids crap on the rug . One day after having the mattress they spill ketchup on thebed. I cleaned. both myself when I got home.

now I’m arguing with their father cause maybe he don’t understand. It’s been almost a year with no bed. That don’t matter to you but it mattered to me. He consistently says I worry about small stuff. small stuff is what matters it’s the foundation to a family. I’m made because he didn’t want to put the bed up. I asked before he went to work and after he got home. Why. Is it hard for him to understand? I’m not trying to bash him or even hurt him I just want to know why my well-being isn’t at the top of his list. I want to know why our kids well being are not at the top of his list? why am I concsidtently told by him and every other black man in my community that I’m required to much I bitch nag and complain to much. Why and I required to build a man? Why am I required to hold on to dear life for this one black man who wouldn’t bat an eye at me if the tables were turned. I’m tired of trying to explain. I’m tired trying to get some one to listen or see things my way. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to be cared for. I want someone to want better for me. I want some one who wants to build . I want someone to see how much the small stuff matters. I feel unwanted. I feel used, I feel desperste. I’m tired y’all.

Everything that’s important to me is small stuff. But some how I’m suppose to listen to you? You don’t care about what I care about? What matter to you do matter to me. An what matter to me do matter to you. If I was a white woman with orange hair you would listen. If I were a presegist concious woman you would listen. You don’t care and you don’t listen because it’s coming from me. I hate it . I hat this. I hate us. It’s not fair.

this ain’t even love this that stupid shit. I come home and clean every day cause you deserve a clean home. I cook or buy food cause you deserve it. Tell me after 8 years what do I deserve?


what do I deserve? can’t you see how little you care? What do I deserve can’t you see how little you do for me?? What do I deserve can’t you see how you hurting me? What do I deserve can’t you you see you cant love me.