I am very angry with myself and also at the world, so to figure out why I feel this way. Anger some times comes from fear so this week i am going to focus on what i fear and why i maybe afraid.
-LOVE
I am a virgin and as a virgin I don't participate in any sexual act aside from holding hands, kissing, and hugging I only allow my self to do this with someone I favor a lot. I have always wanted someone who understood that and i still do but i never thought a person could try to tempt you so bad. It is safe to say now i am still a virgin but it didn't stop people from doing what they wanted to do with or without me.
Loving a guy in particular is the most difficult for me. I was heart broken by that "teen lover", you know when you feel like you are in love at 14 well it lasted until I was 16 and then i realized no one is suppose to hurt you that way. He cheated on me 3 times and it hurt me the most the third. How could someone who loved you or claimed that they love you disappoint you so many times? It's as if guys just say sorry to some how right or make up for their wrongs. Instead of just getting it together.
If you thought the was all I liked another guy, and i knew he liked me, but he was dirty and physically and emotionally cheating on me with a girl he new in Flordia on a business trip with the school. Talk about me trusting some one i barely knew. And he was the one who broke it off in the end. He never liked me in the first place, I was a different, fresh or new idea of being "monogamous". But he and I were both similar and far from the same. what a hypocroitcal situation.
so in the end this feels good to get out why I may and am angry. I will never feel I have control until i release and uncover my anger. I will no longer be afraid to express the way I feel, and I will not except any treatment less then what I know I am worth to my standard .
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Emotions series
Table of contents :
Part one
- fear/ afraid
- powerlessness
- frustration
- pain from the past
- bad habit's
- approval seeking
- feeling overwhelmed /exhausted
- hurt by people and self
- jealousy of myself potential
Part two
- anger
- blame
- your story
- thoughts
- making mistakes
- your not always right
Friday, July 15, 2011
so people well shee feels how i felt
<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/25801918?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0"></iframe><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/25801918">Teyana Taylor "Her Room" Directed by TAJ & Mike Ho #TPK #oSm</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/oneshotmedia">Director | Mike Ho</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>
this is kinda cool. i felt this way a while ago and it made me cry when i heard this song
this is kinda cool. i felt this way a while ago and it made me cry when i heard this song
the factor of men
GUYS..this may sound bad but men, gentlemen, boys,young men what every you call yourselfs are just as emotional when it comes to a relationships as a lady.
So don't lie and say you want to be a "player, g, or single" for the rest of your life because, that is wack and thats not true.
I am not saying you have to have kids but you don't want to be single for forever.
I am joyious and proud of my life, but I am trying to figure out why is there so much anger coming from my lips and heart. It's not jealousy, maybe it's the lack of control i have? or my insecrue thought pattern still lingering around.
but I know i want to be in a healthy relationship with some one i can see as my partner for life some one who is both honest open and true to his thoughts. What i am looking for is more then a guy to have "sex" with. I want some one i can turn to in the morning look at with his horrible breath and say let's go brush are teeth. and While we brsh our teeth i see his beautiful smile and his beautiful teeth and i think and say," wow thats my guy, he's gourgeous and thinks the same about me".
Is that so hard to ask for i don't want perfection i want simplisity some one who isn't struggling to keep there weight in order or the mouth of horrible foods.
someone who makes me laugh some one who can take control but also can be lead in the right direction when needed.
I beautiful person inside "healthy, heart, and spirit" and some one who is beautiful on the out side" beautiful smile healthy, weight , and who keeps themselfs up "
So don't lie and say you want to be a "player, g, or single" for the rest of your life because, that is wack and thats not true.
I am not saying you have to have kids but you don't want to be single for forever.
I am joyious and proud of my life, but I am trying to figure out why is there so much anger coming from my lips and heart. It's not jealousy, maybe it's the lack of control i have? or my insecrue thought pattern still lingering around.
but I know i want to be in a healthy relationship with some one i can see as my partner for life some one who is both honest open and true to his thoughts. What i am looking for is more then a guy to have "sex" with. I want some one i can turn to in the morning look at with his horrible breath and say let's go brush are teeth. and While we brsh our teeth i see his beautiful smile and his beautiful teeth and i think and say," wow thats my guy, he's gourgeous and thinks the same about me".
Is that so hard to ask for i don't want perfection i want simplisity some one who isn't struggling to keep there weight in order or the mouth of horrible foods.
someone who makes me laugh some one who can take control but also can be lead in the right direction when needed.
I beautiful person inside "healthy, heart, and spirit" and some one who is beautiful on the out side" beautiful smile healthy, weight , and who keeps themselfs up "
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
I can't seem to see you
I can't pretend I don't Like you
because I do
I can't act an argument
when it's not hinted
I can only give you what I feel
to let you know this is real
Nothing heavy on my heart at least not this part
I am intrigued by you and that's the truth
But it doesn't seem that i can truly talk to you
express what I'm going through
Show you me in my entirety
have I lied
no just defied
or dare I say hide some things from the mirror
My vision of you was blurred like others have you heard?
You expressed you interest in art and my body parts
out of the ordinary conversation I must say that I was patient
but as time moved on I was hesitating
is it the wave again or am I loosing sight of him
these are the things I was contemplating
but then i realized we supposed to be relating
not imitating so I express
this in a way I know best
Cut the mess and let's get to the good stuff
I'm talking bout your mind
and the funny things that come to mind
we can still be intertwined
back up and rewind lets redefine
what I need from you is a little more time.
because I do
I can't act an argument
when it's not hinted
I can only give you what I feel
to let you know this is real
Nothing heavy on my heart at least not this part
I am intrigued by you and that's the truth
But it doesn't seem that i can truly talk to you
express what I'm going through
Show you me in my entirety
have I lied
no just defied
or dare I say hide some things from the mirror
My vision of you was blurred like others have you heard?
You expressed you interest in art and my body parts
out of the ordinary conversation I must say that I was patient
but as time moved on I was hesitating
is it the wave again or am I loosing sight of him
these are the things I was contemplating
but then i realized we supposed to be relating
not imitating so I express
this in a way I know best
Cut the mess and let's get to the good stuff
I'm talking bout your mind
and the funny things that come to mind
we can still be intertwined
back up and rewind lets redefine
what I need from you is a little more time.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Art of truely HELPING
Today instead of kicking off my shoes and staying inside. I went a few steps over to my neighbor's home where, children we playing laughing and talking. We rode down the hills with rip sticks glued to our feet. well maybe not so much mine. But the point was I was having fun in the sun burning calories and not a whole in my pocket.
"This is harder then it looks, math i can do but this is a little more of a challenge". She begin to ask me if i could help her with the terrible thing called the unit circle "intro to trig".We sat outside in the neighboorhood of Walnut Grove all day until night fall.
I was delighted because i just made a 98 out of 100 on the Unit circle . So I ran to my house, printed out all I needed to help, and I was outside with chalk ready to teach. I drew a huge circle the size or a person laying down. Then I divided this circular object into four even sections. then two more lines and before you knew it the circle was covered in lines. Like this diagram to the right.
What made her different from other students is how well she simply caught on to the pattern. I would spit out the cosine of 30 is what... and the radian of 225 is what.With the pattern she would figure it on her own with little help at all. What astounded me was how easy teaching it to some on could be. I was proud of myself because I made a hard situation into an easy, fun activity After I showed her the cosine,sine,tangent,and radiant of the unit circle I was back at the chalk. little did i know 20 dollars, was waiting for me.
I simply wanted to help her i had no plans of making money or getting over on her. Of course being humble, i didn't want to take it. I told her, "i only wanted to help". But she, insisted and wouldn't take it back ..I still might put it in her mail box. it may not seem like much but five dollars was the price of five minutes.
-4/29/2011
with great thoughts you never know what small things may come out of it
the names were changed to protect those who may or may not want to be shown on my blog
"This is harder then it looks, math i can do but this is a little more of a challenge". She begin to ask me if i could help her with the terrible thing called the unit circle "intro to trig".We sat outside in the neighboorhood of Walnut Grove all day until night fall.
I was delighted because i just made a 98 out of 100 on the Unit circle . So I ran to my house, printed out all I needed to help, and I was outside with chalk ready to teach. I drew a huge circle the size or a person laying down. Then I divided this circular object into four even sections. then two more lines and before you knew it the circle was covered in lines. Like this diagram to the right.
What made her different from other students is how well she simply caught on to the pattern. I would spit out the cosine of 30 is what... and the radian of 225 is what.With the pattern she would figure it on her own with little help at all. What astounded me was how easy teaching it to some on could be. I was proud of myself because I made a hard situation into an easy, fun activity After I showed her the cosine,sine,tangent,and radiant of the unit circle I was back at the chalk. little did i know 20 dollars, was waiting for me.
I simply wanted to help her i had no plans of making money or getting over on her. Of course being humble, i didn't want to take it. I told her, "i only wanted to help". But she, insisted and wouldn't take it back ..I still might put it in her mail box. it may not seem like much but five dollars was the price of five minutes.
-4/29/2011
with great thoughts you never know what small things may come out of it
the names were changed to protect those who may or may not want to be shown on my blog
I wondered if one word could describe me and I realize NO one word can describe a human other then that- they are human so I decided to choose five words that match my 5- letter name and this is what i came up with.I am a I.=IncomprehensiableM.-miracle that isA.-Argumentive, N.-Nervously clever and ...I.- Intelligent. I.M.A.N.I for Yah. Nothing to complicated .
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
DEFINE PRETTY THEN DEFINE BEAUTY
PRETTY
N.
ADJ.
1. having an attractive pleasant face that is graceful and appealing rather than outstandingly beautiful
2.nice to look at pleasing or charming in a delicate, gentle, or decorative way
3.unsatisfactory: very bad or unsatisfactory
4. appealing or charming to hear or look at, but without any deep meaning or sincerity
5. large: large in size, extent, or value
ADv.
to a fairly large, noticeable, or reasonable extent
BEAUTY /beaUtiful
N.
1. the combination of qualities that make something pleasing and impressive to look at, listen to, touch, smell, or taste
2. personal physical attractiveness, especially with regard to the use of cosmetics and other methods of enhancing it
3. something very good, attractive, or impressive of its kind
4. an attractive, useful, or satisfying feature
WHICH ONE ARE YOU ? WHY MUST YOU BE EITHER IS BEAUTY REALLY IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER?..JUST QUESTIONS I ASKED MYSELF
N.
ADJ.
1. having an attractive pleasant face that is graceful and appealing rather than outstandingly beautiful
2.nice to look at pleasing or charming in a delicate, gentle, or decorative way
3.unsatisfactory: very bad or unsatisfactory
4. appealing or charming to hear or look at, but without any deep meaning or sincerity
5. large: large in size, extent, or value
ADv.
to a fairly large, noticeable, or reasonable extent
BEAUTY /beaUtiful
N.
1. the combination of qualities that make something pleasing and impressive to look at, listen to, touch, smell, or taste
2. personal physical attractiveness, especially with regard to the use of cosmetics and other methods of enhancing it
3. something very good, attractive, or impressive of its kind
4. an attractive, useful, or satisfying feature
WHICH ONE ARE YOU ? WHY MUST YOU BE EITHER IS BEAUTY REALLY IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER?..JUST QUESTIONS I ASKED MYSELF
LAST BIRTHDAY LETTER 16
I'm sixteen(12th of this month) now. whoop whoop to all the July birthdays. If you forgot My birthday its fine your excused this time ha ha ((like I'm that important) to most anyone other then family and sometimes not even them)!
The point of this note is to remind myself that I am still growing and although I have much of it down; not everything i do is right or perfect. What I have realized about myself the most is, that little to nothing gets to me anymore. Regardless, of if that makes me tuff, hard,insensitive or emotionless; I'm ok with it, because labels don't matter to me. I'm different from most I KNOW THAT. I'm not a religious person by choice and honestly I feel i have more value,selfworth, and pride then most do who are confined to one source of spirituality and/ or way of life.
At sixteen years young i feel so old I feel older the some adults I'm surrounded by, and it can be a blessing and a curse at the same-time. For instance: I'm able to learn from their mistakes without making the same ones myself but then; if the adults act younger then you who do you have to look up to?
who do you tell your dreams,and goals to other then god and a friend you might trust?.. No one ever wants to live in the past but no one every wants to visit the future either. WHY must we stay in the present every day of our lives-It's not going anywhere? but the past is and so is the future.
I don't want to struggle like my mom and dad. I want to have a plan and act on it with god my dreams,hopes, wishes, and goals along with My family and friends. Is any one hearing me ????
I want to know are my thoughts merely away to escape or am I really saying something here.
The point of this note is to remind myself that I am still growing and although I have much of it down; not everything i do is right or perfect. What I have realized about myself the most is, that little to nothing gets to me anymore. Regardless, of if that makes me tuff, hard,insensitive or emotionless; I'm ok with it, because labels don't matter to me. I'm different from most I KNOW THAT. I'm not a religious person by choice and honestly I feel i have more value,selfworth, and pride then most do who are confined to one source of spirituality and/ or way of life.
At sixteen years young i feel so old I feel older the some adults I'm surrounded by, and it can be a blessing and a curse at the same-time. For instance: I'm able to learn from their mistakes without making the same ones myself but then; if the adults act younger then you who do you have to look up to?
who do you tell your dreams,and goals to other then god and a friend you might trust?.. No one ever wants to live in the past but no one every wants to visit the future either. WHY must we stay in the present every day of our lives-It's not going anywhere? but the past is and so is the future.
I don't want to struggle like my mom and dad. I want to have a plan and act on it with god my dreams,hopes, wishes, and goals along with My family and friends. Is any one hearing me ????
I want to know are my thoughts merely away to escape or am I really saying something here.
DEAR MIND
dear mind
it's not a do or die
either you ride
or you can fly
who cares
how you're feeling
just know that your one of a million
like a mosiquito to a suvillian
nothing i can't find in the next buliding
its Harlab to a trillion
now are you ready for the killing
can't hear you with all your fibbing
speak up son as if your life was giving
or even worth living
cause i 'll smash you like a bug
punch buggie no punch back cuz
you alread know how i feel blood
but nevermind all that i wasted enough time trying to figure out
if your worth listen to or shall i listen to the heartwhich ever way it goes some one has to play they part
in control to the nevers
fudge what you heard
cause my "ears" have words
and like the world
my head keeps spining
when will it overload
no one really knows
( it kinda sucks i know)
un finished-this isn't to anyone but my mind haven't spent much time with it latley
it's not a do or die
either you ride
or you can fly
who cares
how you're feeling
just know that your one of a million
like a mosiquito to a suvillian
nothing i can't find in the next buliding
its Harlab to a trillion
now are you ready for the killing
can't hear you with all your fibbing
speak up son as if your life was giving
or even worth living
cause i 'll smash you like a bug
punch buggie no punch back cuz
you alread know how i feel blood
but nevermind all that i wasted enough time trying to figure out
if your worth listen to or shall i listen to the heartwhich ever way it goes some one has to play they part
in control to the nevers
fudge what you heard
cause my "ears" have words
and like the world
my head keeps spining
when will it overload
no one really knows
( it kinda sucks i know)
un finished-this isn't to anyone but my mind haven't spent much time with it latley
a mind game
A note with in a poemand i resign from all things unnecessary
i resign from all things unessential in my life
things,people,work,and human phenomenon
and other b.s you can think of
will no longer trace my thoughts
for i have caught
to many feeling and emotions to explain in this note
but i shall carry and tote
the words of my mind heart and soul
only to live life as it were gold
even though the opinnion of most
is to be or not to be in a world of ghost
life to simple and complicated at the same time
seems like i'm on a roller coaster and a streamline
crazy cause i just want to be myself
but how can i when i have no personal wealth
thank god for physical health
sun so hot i believe i'll melt
wait a minute let me just remove this felt
Felt feeling, for something intangable
only to think that emotions where cannibals
love to those who showed
how to let go
of the pain and look beyond a personalitiy
and inhuman characters i portray
empathy for those in which i do not know
but some how feel sympathy for
but i am now sure emotions are cannibals
the truth shall set you free she said
but how can it when your truth and mine aren't the same
see...once again a mind game
it's a shame how it' operates
to bad it can't reset and restart like a video
but it's all intangable so who knows
so i decided
I decided that at this time every one I know has a busy life, with the most important thing on their mind being the survival of themselves. I understand that and i accept that; One thing i won't accept is the horrible treatment that some people seem to exhale towards me.
I am a decent person and i feel i deserve better treatment.
So what if I don't want to be friends that's fine, don't disrespect yourself and me because of your feelings and assumption.
I will not beg to be wanted if you do not want me, trust that.
I will not ask you to change only because you want to change me.
Making enemies is not my goal in life- it is simply to survive in the time i have to live it. Get yours and I'll get mine.
Some of you may be asking what are you talkin about but some of you know exactly what i mean.
With peace, love, light,and respect,
Imani
I am a decent person and i feel i deserve better treatment.
So what if I don't want to be friends that's fine, don't disrespect yourself and me because of your feelings and assumption.
I will not beg to be wanted if you do not want me, trust that.
I will not ask you to change only because you want to change me.
Making enemies is not my goal in life- it is simply to survive in the time i have to live it. Get yours and I'll get mine.
Some of you may be asking what are you talkin about but some of you know exactly what i mean.
With peace, love, light,and respect,
Imani
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